STEVE JACKOWSKI

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Just Visiting: The Military Brat Syndrome

6/13/2018

24 Comments

 
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If you've read any of my novels, you've met characters who are the sons or daughters of military personnel.  Needless to say, you also probably noticed that they are a bit different from the so-called average people you might meet elsewhere. 

​In person, particularly for brief encounters, you may not recognize how abnormal they may be.  But if you take the time to get to know them, assuming they let you in to do so, you'll find them quite unique.  They suffer from what I call The Military Brat Syndrome.

I note that this affliction doesn't just affect children of military personnel.  You will find many of the same issues in children of diplomats, and children of parents who frequently moved from place to place.

Imagine if you will a child raised in a non-military family.  Over the course of their child-rearing years, the family may change homes few times within a small geographic area.  But more likely for the largest part of our country and others, 'normal' kids may grow up in the same house until they leave as adults.  In the course of their youth, they develop friends from an early age, many of whom are still friends when they become adults.  Their family usually extends to nearby grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins, and often their parents' friends become almost like family members.  

These children usually have extended support systems - family and friends who encourage them in social activities.  They often stay in touch with favorite teachers, and they have a strong sense of community.

We military brats don't have any of that.  In my case, I attended fifteen schools before graduating high school.  Every time I made friends, it would be time to move.  In those days before email, social media, and unlimited calling plans, it was difficult to stay in touch.  We tried a few times, but with long waits for responses and the fact that our friends were moving too, it proved impossible for most of us.  

Obviously, we didn't develop a sense of community, and moving as much as we did, it was hard to get close to extended family who we usually saw briefly only when relocating - if we happened to be passing through.  

On the other hand, most of us learned a lot about other cultures.  If we  moved internationally, we lived in countries with different languages and customs.  

Moving again and again, even within the US, sometimes created culture shock.  As one example, I lived in Hawaii where my best friend was black.  He and I were both considered Haoles by the locals who seemed to get their kicks out of beating up 'outsiders'.  We watched each other's back.  But then my family relocated to the deep south where my dancing with a black girl caused major outrage at the teen club.  This was a real wake-up call for a young teenager.

At home, discipline and respect for authority was the rule.  My father followed orders at work, so I followed orders at home.  Not to do so invited painful consequences.  

Of course, there are many benefits to being a military brat:
  • Acceptance of radical life changes
  • Tolerance of different people, cultures and lifestyles
  • The ability to get along with most anyone
  • The discipline to take on new challenges
These are the things we present to the outside world.  Many of us are considered successful.  But the real effects of The Military Brat Syndrome are insidious:
  • The need for regular radical change: In my case, it was romantic relationships.  No matter how perfect my relationship with my partner was, after two to three years, I needed a change. And obviously if things got difficult in any relationship, job, or living situation, why not just move on?  
  • In spite of a desire to fit in to a community, the inability to do so.  You feel like you're always an outsider who doesn't have the long term friendships or relationships that would make you a part of a community.
  • Similarly, with an almost overwhelming desire to have a close extended family, the inability to really get close.  You were patterned to expect relationships to end.  It's hard to believe that they might last.
  • A need to escape: it could be unjustified change, drugs or alcohol, or obsession with sports or careers - many of us  can't help running away from our friends, family, jobs, and partners.
The bottom line cause? You always feel like an outsider looking in. 

​What was the safe place in Monopoly?  Just Visiting!

So what can you do about it?  How do you stop suffering from The Military Brat Syndrome?

For military brats, first and foremost, you need to recognize your patterns of behavior and understand their roots.  Then you can make a conscious effort to change.  I did that with relationships.  After recognizing my pattern of ending them for no reason, I decided not to run at the first hiccup. 

Counseling might help, but most counselors are not military brats, so it's unlikely they can truly understand just how deep these patterned behaviors go.

For family, friends, and employers, again, recognizing the military brat syndrome is critical.  At that point, you can try to be a bit more patient, refuse to let the military brat just run, and encourage them to begin to believe and trust that some things can be permanent.  

Because ultimately, that's what it's about: TRUST.  When, from the time you were born until you left home, you've been raised to expect radical life changes  - loss of friends, loss of community, loss of places you might love, and having to start over every two years, it's hard to trust that anything is permanent.    

But it can be done.  Unfortunately, because we don't recognize it early on, it often takes decades to overcome The Military Brat Syndrome. 

24 Comments
Annette Steiner
6/13/2018 09:33:55 pm

My dad wasn't military, he was civil servant involved with the military
As a result we moved a lot also but not as frequently and because we couldn't live on base we made friends with local kids and there were 4 of us in close ages. I loved it. We had very adventurous parents that let us roam the streets of Adana (Turkey). This was pre 1967 war so it was a safe area of the world.
I'll look deeper into relationships although both of my siblings have been married 40 years so I would say that's very long term
Interesting thoughts for me to contemplate

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David
7/9/2021 06:55:07 pm

Father was a POW, and he became military civilian that worked for army headquarters for 28 years. We moved around 7 or 8 times before he retired. I remember being pulled away from friends in Elementry school. I think my education suffered later in life because of this: I believe that some of the schools were not on the same page from state to state causing us to miss out or skip the building blocks of learning. I never joined the military after high school. When people ask me if I was ever in the military, have always told them no. But know that I think about it, I was for 10 years as a kid. Unfortnately the VA does not count that as time served but I do. I remember on a radio talk show, they were talking about military kids. One women called in and she remembered as a high school girl how the military students looked so serious all the time. After growing up, my mother said," I don't think it was good for you kids to be moving around the way we did, we should have stayed in one place." I personaly believe it harms a child 's personal development.

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Steve
7/9/2021 09:49:44 pm

David,

I agree that it's probably harmful overall for most kids. On the other hand, we do learn to adapt to radical change. And, for some, it probably propels them to successes they wouldn't have otherwise realized. For me, it was clearly a mix of the good and the bad.

Linda Moore Westbrook
7/28/2020 11:48:19 am

Please give me info on the Military Fathers had on their daughters regularly "dressing down" their daughters. I was the victim of his regular abuse as an at home dependent and he continued his ugliness toward me until he died. Alienating my children, etc. My sister is trying to carry on his behaviors. I will be suing her for slander and need help substantiating "dressing-downs"pls. Jim Morrison of the "Doors" is an example.

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Steve
7/28/2020 02:23:29 pm

Unfortunately, being male, I don't have any direct experience with this type of abuse. Anything I could say would just be anecdotal: observations of how my father treated my sister. So, I'm sorry. I don't think I can help you with your arguments.

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Emmy
9/18/2020 04:02:50 am

Hey there!
This is great! I am seeking counseling but like you said, maybe from someone who knows how to deal with this. I am an Aramco Brat, slightly different but similar syndrome. Can't wait to read more about others' experiences! Thanks for sharing.

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Andrea Penix
6/9/2021 04:22:44 am

You are dead on. I am almost 40 now. I think its time to take that look.

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Allie
9/27/2021 12:46:30 pm

Agreed. I am 41 and just finally realizing why I feel the way I do. For the first time in my life I am settled (9 years in my current city, 7 years at my current job), have an amazing partner (after 2 divorces), and am truly happy with my life. Yet, I feel restless and frustrated (of course, the pandemic has not helped with that). Moved at ages 2, 3, 7, 11, and 12 - graduated from high school and have moved 9 times as an adult. The apartment I am living in now is my 28th home in 41 years. Finally having that "aha" moment, now I can deal with moving past my past. :)

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Steve
9/27/2021 02:49:38 pm

Excellent!

Steve
9/27/2021 02:55:31 pm

In my experience, recognizing the problem at least lets us understand our abnormal reactions and feelings. Then we can make an effort to change our behaviors. As they say, fake it till you make it.

William Webb
10/23/2021 03:18:32 am

Having been a RAF brat and lived on bases for 18 years I can identify with many of the comments on this site. Being on primary targets supporting the V force left its own mark. The comments I have read help me to understand myself. Over all I value my bases experiences as very positive. Regards Bill

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Steve
10/23/2021 08:43:57 am

Hello Bill,

In spite of some of the negative effects, overall, the experiences were beneficial. For me, I'm much more comfortable in diverse settings, handle change pretty well, and I believe I have a better world view and much more tolerance than most people I know.

So yes. I definitely agree.


Steve

Reply
William Webb
10/25/2021 12:42:58 am

Military brat syndrome
Having a father sent off on deployment to a war zone must be a bad experience. My father was sent of on many postings and detachments and just being left behind for months at a time was trying enough. We lived with the concepts of personal security and camp security. i got in trouble at school as I would not disclose where my father had been sent to in the middle east. I also had difficulty spelling Muharraq Bahrain. Our posting included Brize Norton , Cyprus and Sri Lanka. I still have contact with one friend going back to school days and we have compared notes. He too moves regularly and keeps all his packing boxes for the next move.
The Great Santini gave me flash backs to home. our emergency rations were called compo and even at University I used to stock up on NAAFI food to take back. regards Bill

Reply
Steve
10/25/2021 03:40:33 am

Hi William,

It's interesting. The Great Santini had the same effect on me! Thanks for commenting.

Steve

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Cheryl Jones, Telecom Mgr.
11/23/2021 03:40:41 pm

Military USAF brat from the past

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Eric ingamells
12/8/2021 09:21:28 am

I agree with your article the term I have come to use is permanent tourist. As we transition from military bases to civilian life it appears that the circle of friends others had was complete. Even in my adult life I am let into the perimeter of the circle as a curiosity.

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Steve
12/8/2021 10:24:45 am

So true. And even in situations without a clique, you still feel like an outsider looking in. However, it's a good attribute for a writer...

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Marshall Anderson
12/31/2021 10:25:17 am

Also, recognizing that NOTHING is truly permanent but that all relationships are worth working to maintain. Military Brat Syndrome may be an extreme deviation from the norm but moderation - not rejection - is the preferred response.

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Steve
12/31/2021 04:08:17 pm

And, as I was hoping to suggest, in some cases, it has helped people achieve things they otherwise might have missed.

Steve

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Kait
1/2/2022 09:56:31 pm

I'm a young military brat here. I've moved around about 13 times in my life, obviously making as well as keeping friends was hard. Now that I've finally settled down I have a hard time making meaningful relationships. Silly thing is I have a hard time making friends.

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Kevo
6/30/2022 04:44:18 pm

Fellow Brat here, 42 years old. Dad was in 26 years and retired after i left home. I share a lot of you folks experiences and pepper in a few life threatening near misses. Ever the daredevil, Ive had more stitches and breaks than I can count, and have more scars than tattoos. Lost count of those over a decade ago. Trauma. We all have it, just uncovering mine. The resiliency we have is amazing, but the nomad in me never left.I enlisted USAF straight out of high school, 1998. 8 years active, 10 more as a civil servant, but never long enough to actually retire. I’ve moved and recreated myself so many times, the chameleon in all of us. Im really glad to hear I wasn’t actually alone in that. We share that we were alone when we were going through it. Same time, I feel comfort in solitude. I grew up to be a biker. The lone guy you see on the backroads of nowhere on a Tuesday. Alone and moving in no particular direction is the only “place” I’ve ever been at ease or felt myself. I am definitely in therapy, and highly recommend it. I have managed to maintain a stable relationship for nearly a decade. I am hopeful to find some sort of belonging through talking about it.

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Kelly
8/15/2022 03:55:59 am

WOW…you finally put a lot of things together for me. Father was a career Marine….so 20 years with him…then I worked for the military for 11 years before marrying a Marine officer…23 of that marriage was in the Marines. I’ve moved 21 times, twice to Japan. I get that I got to experience much more than most, but the urge for a change of some sort every three years is still strong. I had never put those two together. I also have a difficult time making and maintaining friendships. I had an amazing upbringing. My father was very adventurous. I don’t think I’d change it but it helps to recognize why I am like I am. Thank you!

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Ann R
10/13/2022 09:15:55 pm

I’m a 73 year old former military brat, and the term forces brat syndrome has defined me for as long as I can remember. The Canadian military, in its unmitigated idiocy, often chose to move families during the school year, so I moved from Winnipeg Manitoba to Whitehorse Yukon, or Vancouver BC to Ottawa Ontario in October or November. The school curriculums were totally different with every move. I’m smart, but I was terrible at school. I spent my working life in a series of low-paid clerical jobs. Then there’s the horror of filling in forms for apartment rentals or jobs where you have to list your residences for the past 10 years. Haha! People just give you a weird look when you hand them the list. It’s not a childhood I’d wish on anyone.

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FAY SMITH
2/8/2023 04:00:59 pm

I was not an Army brat but I traveled around the world from the age of 2 or so. My dad was an engineer and built oil refineries. Between 2 and 12 I lived in France twice, Colombia once, Venezuela once Australia once. After the second time in Normandy, I realized that there was no point in making friends because I would be ripped away and it hurt! Plus, my parents, thinking they were helping me, never let me know when we were going to move. When we lived in Normandy, which was the happiest time of my life, I would go horseback riding (my passion) on Thursdays. One Friday they sat me down and told me we were going back to the US (for a short time in between jobs with no clue where the next 'home' would be). I was absolutely shocked. I made my mother take me back to the stable that Saturday to say goodbye to all the horses I loved so much. We left on the Ile de France on Sunday, never to return. That was the killer for me. I have been married and divorced 3 times and according to all my husbands, I put up a wall they cannot penetrate. I'm no fool. I know how to avoid being hurt. LOL. Ever since I was diagnosed with attachment syndrome a few years ago, the tremendous burden of guilt has been lifted off my shoulders. I just wish it had happened many years ago.

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    Steve Jackowski

    Writer, extreme sports enthusiast, serial entrepreneur, technologist.

     
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