STEVE JACKOWSKI

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Just Visiting: The Military Brat Syndrome

6/13/2018

54 Comments

 
Picture
If you've read any of my novels, you've met characters who are the sons or daughters of military personnel.  Needless to say, you also probably noticed that they are a bit different from the so-called average people you might meet elsewhere. 

​In person, particularly for brief encounters, you may not recognize how abnormal they may be.  But if you take the time to get to know them, assuming they let you in to do so, you'll find them quite unique.  They suffer from what I call The Military Brat Syndrome.

I note that this affliction doesn't just affect children of military personnel.  You will find many of the same issues in children of diplomats, and children of parents who frequently moved from place to place.

Imagine if you will a child raised in a non-military family.  Over the course of their child-rearing years, the family may change homes few times within a small geographic area.  But more likely for the largest part of our country and others, 'normal' kids may grow up in the same house until they leave as adults.  In the course of their youth, they develop friends from an early age, many of whom are still friends when they become adults.  Their family usually extends to nearby grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins, and often their parents' friends become almost like family members.  

These children usually have extended support systems - family and friends who encourage them in social activities.  They often stay in touch with favorite teachers, and they have a strong sense of community.

We military brats don't have any of that.  In my case, I attended fifteen schools before graduating high school.  Every time I made friends, it would be time to move.  In those days before email, social media, and unlimited calling plans, it was difficult to stay in touch.  We tried a few times, but with long waits for responses and the fact that our friends were moving too, it proved impossible for most of us.  

Obviously, we didn't develop a sense of community, and moving as much as we did, it was hard to get close to extended family who we usually saw briefly only when relocating - if we happened to be passing through.  

On the other hand, most of us learned a lot about other cultures.  If we  moved internationally, we lived in countries with different languages and customs.  

Moving again and again, even within the US, sometimes created culture shock.  As one example, I lived in Hawaii where my best friend was black.  He and I were both considered Haoles by the locals who seemed to get their kicks out of beating up 'outsiders'.  We watched each other's back.  But then my family relocated to the deep south where my dancing with a black girl caused major outrage at the teen club.  This was a real wake-up call for a young teenager.

At home, discipline and respect for authority was the rule.  My father followed orders at work, so I followed orders at home.  Not to do so invited painful consequences.  

Of course, there are many benefits to being a military brat:
  • Acceptance of radical life changes
  • Tolerance of different people, cultures and lifestyles
  • The ability to get along with most anyone
  • The discipline to take on new challenges
These are the things we present to the outside world.  Many of us are considered successful.  But the real effects of The Military Brat Syndrome are insidious:
  • The need for regular radical change: In my case, it was romantic relationships.  No matter how perfect my relationship with my partner was, after two to three years, I needed a change. And obviously if things got difficult in any relationship, job, or living situation, why not just move on?  
  • In spite of a desire to fit in to a community, the inability to do so.  You feel like you're always an outsider who doesn't have the long term friendships or relationships that would make you a part of a community.
  • Similarly, with an almost overwhelming desire to have a close extended family, the inability to really get close.  You were patterned to expect relationships to end.  It's hard to believe that they might last.
  • A need to escape: it could be unjustified change, drugs or alcohol, or obsession with sports or careers - many of us  can't help running away from our friends, family, jobs, and partners.
The bottom line cause? You always feel like an outsider looking in. 

​What was the safe place in Monopoly?  Just Visiting!

So what can you do about it?  How do you stop suffering from The Military Brat Syndrome?

For military brats, first and foremost, you need to recognize your patterns of behavior and understand their roots.  Then you can make a conscious effort to change.  I did that with relationships.  After recognizing my pattern of ending them for no reason, I decided not to run at the first hiccup. 

Counseling might help, but most counselors are not military brats, so it's unlikely they can truly understand just how deep these patterned behaviors go.

For family, friends, and employers, again, recognizing the military brat syndrome is critical.  At that point, you can try to be a bit more patient, refuse to let the military brat just run, and encourage them to begin to believe and trust that some things can be permanent.  

Because ultimately, that's what it's about: TRUST.  When, from the time you were born until you left home, you've been raised to expect radical life changes  - loss of friends, loss of community, loss of places you might love, and having to start over every two years, it's hard to trust that anything is permanent.    

But it can be done.  Unfortunately, because we don't recognize it early on, it often takes decades to overcome The Military Brat Syndrome. 

If you liked this post, please check out my novels.

54 Comments
Annette Steiner
6/13/2018 09:33:55 pm

My dad wasn't military, he was civil servant involved with the military
As a result we moved a lot also but not as frequently and because we couldn't live on base we made friends with local kids and there were 4 of us in close ages. I loved it. We had very adventurous parents that let us roam the streets of Adana (Turkey). This was pre 1967 war so it was a safe area of the world.
I'll look deeper into relationships although both of my siblings have been married 40 years so I would say that's very long term
Interesting thoughts for me to contemplate

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David
7/9/2021 06:55:07 pm

Father was a POW, and he became military civilian that worked for army headquarters for 28 years. We moved around 7 or 8 times before he retired. I remember being pulled away from friends in Elementry school. I think my education suffered later in life because of this: I believe that some of the schools were not on the same page from state to state causing us to miss out or skip the building blocks of learning. I never joined the military after high school. When people ask me if I was ever in the military, have always told them no. But know that I think about it, I was for 10 years as a kid. Unfortnately the VA does not count that as time served but I do. I remember on a radio talk show, they were talking about military kids. One women called in and she remembered as a high school girl how the military students looked so serious all the time. After growing up, my mother said," I don't think it was good for you kids to be moving around the way we did, we should have stayed in one place." I personaly believe it harms a child 's personal development.

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Steve
7/9/2021 09:49:44 pm

David,

I agree that it's probably harmful overall for most kids. On the other hand, we do learn to adapt to radical change. And, for some, it probably propels them to successes they wouldn't have otherwise realized. For me, it was clearly a mix of the good and the bad.

Linda Moore Westbrook
7/28/2020 11:48:19 am

Please give me info on the Military Fathers had on their daughters regularly "dressing down" their daughters. I was the victim of his regular abuse as an at home dependent and he continued his ugliness toward me until he died. Alienating my children, etc. My sister is trying to carry on his behaviors. I will be suing her for slander and need help substantiating "dressing-downs"pls. Jim Morrison of the "Doors" is an example.

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Steve
7/28/2020 02:23:29 pm

Unfortunately, being male, I don't have any direct experience with this type of abuse. Anything I could say would just be anecdotal: observations of how my father treated my sister. So, I'm sorry. I don't think I can help you with your arguments.

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Emmy
9/18/2020 04:02:50 am

Hey there!
This is great! I am seeking counseling but like you said, maybe from someone who knows how to deal with this. I am an Aramco Brat, slightly different but similar syndrome. Can't wait to read more about others' experiences! Thanks for sharing.

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Andrea Penix
6/9/2021 04:22:44 am

You are dead on. I am almost 40 now. I think its time to take that look.

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Allie
9/27/2021 12:46:30 pm

Agreed. I am 41 and just finally realizing why I feel the way I do. For the first time in my life I am settled (9 years in my current city, 7 years at my current job), have an amazing partner (after 2 divorces), and am truly happy with my life. Yet, I feel restless and frustrated (of course, the pandemic has not helped with that). Moved at ages 2, 3, 7, 11, and 12 - graduated from high school and have moved 9 times as an adult. The apartment I am living in now is my 28th home in 41 years. Finally having that "aha" moment, now I can deal with moving past my past. :)

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Steve
9/27/2021 02:49:38 pm

Excellent!

Steve
9/27/2021 02:55:31 pm

In my experience, recognizing the problem at least lets us understand our abnormal reactions and feelings. Then we can make an effort to change our behaviors. As they say, fake it till you make it.

Steve Tyhurst
6/20/2024 09:01:41 pm

Thought I was all alone I'm older than nost of you 68 would like to correspond

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Steve
6/20/2024 10:34:54 pm

Hi Steve,

There are numerous conversations on this subject. Feel free to jump in


Steve

Sheila
9/17/2024 10:19:01 am

Just looking for a place to process effects 50 years later
Was told about Brats Our Journey Home and am ordering a copy on Amazon

William Webb
10/23/2021 03:18:32 am

Having been a RAF brat and lived on bases for 18 years I can identify with many of the comments on this site. Being on primary targets supporting the V force left its own mark. The comments I have read help me to understand myself. Over all I value my bases experiences as very positive. Regards Bill

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Steve
10/23/2021 08:43:57 am

Hello Bill,

In spite of some of the negative effects, overall, the experiences were beneficial. For me, I'm much more comfortable in diverse settings, handle change pretty well, and I believe I have a better world view and much more tolerance than most people I know.

So yes. I definitely agree.


Steve

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William Webb
10/25/2021 12:42:58 am

Military brat syndrome
Having a father sent off on deployment to a war zone must be a bad experience. My father was sent of on many postings and detachments and just being left behind for months at a time was trying enough. We lived with the concepts of personal security and camp security. i got in trouble at school as I would not disclose where my father had been sent to in the middle east. I also had difficulty spelling Muharraq Bahrain. Our posting included Brize Norton , Cyprus and Sri Lanka. I still have contact with one friend going back to school days and we have compared notes. He too moves regularly and keeps all his packing boxes for the next move.
The Great Santini gave me flash backs to home. our emergency rations were called compo and even at University I used to stock up on NAAFI food to take back. regards Bill

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Steve
10/25/2021 03:40:33 am

Hi William,

It's interesting. The Great Santini had the same effect on me! Thanks for commenting.

Steve

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Tawnya
7/9/2024 11:37:38 am

Hi, William (Bill) Webb (October 25, 2021). I was intrigued by you having lived in Sri Lanka as a military brat. My father was in the military for my first 27 years. I later married a Sri Lankan and remember in the early years going to the US Embassy in Colombo in person to register our visit and seeing the US Marine behind bullet proof glass. What years were you in Colombo? What was it like those years? Regards, Fellow Military Brat Tawnya

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Cheryl Jones, Telecom Mgr.
11/23/2021 03:40:41 pm

Military USAF brat from the past

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Eric ingamells
12/8/2021 09:21:28 am

I agree with your article the term I have come to use is permanent tourist. As we transition from military bases to civilian life it appears that the circle of friends others had was complete. Even in my adult life I am let into the perimeter of the circle as a curiosity.

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Steve
12/8/2021 10:24:45 am

So true. And even in situations without a clique, you still feel like an outsider looking in. However, it's a good attribute for a writer...

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Marshall Anderson
12/31/2021 10:25:17 am

Also, recognizing that NOTHING is truly permanent but that all relationships are worth working to maintain. Military Brat Syndrome may be an extreme deviation from the norm but moderation - not rejection - is the preferred response.

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Steve
12/31/2021 04:08:17 pm

And, as I was hoping to suggest, in some cases, it has helped people achieve things they otherwise might have missed.

Steve

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PY
6/4/2024 09:31:48 am

Not really. Not anything that makes up for the loss of not having a real home.

Kait
1/2/2022 09:56:31 pm

I'm a young military brat here. I've moved around about 13 times in my life, obviously making as well as keeping friends was hard. Now that I've finally settled down I have a hard time making meaningful relationships. Silly thing is I have a hard time making friends.

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Kevo
6/30/2022 04:44:18 pm

Fellow Brat here, 42 years old. Dad was in 26 years and retired after i left home. I share a lot of you folks experiences and pepper in a few life threatening near misses. Ever the daredevil, Ive had more stitches and breaks than I can count, and have more scars than tattoos. Lost count of those over a decade ago. Trauma. We all have it, just uncovering mine. The resiliency we have is amazing, but the nomad in me never left.I enlisted USAF straight out of high school, 1998. 8 years active, 10 more as a civil servant, but never long enough to actually retire. I’ve moved and recreated myself so many times, the chameleon in all of us. Im really glad to hear I wasn’t actually alone in that. We share that we were alone when we were going through it. Same time, I feel comfort in solitude. I grew up to be a biker. The lone guy you see on the backroads of nowhere on a Tuesday. Alone and moving in no particular direction is the only “place” I’ve ever been at ease or felt myself. I am definitely in therapy, and highly recommend it. I have managed to maintain a stable relationship for nearly a decade. I am hopeful to find some sort of belonging through talking about it.

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Teresa link
7/10/2025 06:51:35 am

Kevin….I just located this site and the concept of Lifer Brat Syndrome. I’m already 77 and I’m just finding out that my “normal” is not so “abnormal,” so I want you to know how proud I am of you for searching and finding out answers to the “Why am I so different than most?” while you are so young. You have gifts to share, dear Man. Though you are an introvert, you recharge and find peace in quiet aloneness,” you are probably perceived by others as an extrovert and can handle a lot of different situations with ease. I know I am. You have so much time to really live, so be assured….find a place that you love (I’m in the pines on a big lake where I can intimately relate to the animals and trees.) and I found an old Viet Nam Vet who I can trust and who has honor and who for 30+ years now cherishes me just as I am. You’ll back slide and think deeply often, just remember to take one day at a time…oh, and never dull your senses with too much alcohol or drugs….keep alert, dear Man. There’s a soldier inside you!

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Kelly
8/15/2022 03:55:59 am

WOW…you finally put a lot of things together for me. Father was a career Marine….so 20 years with him…then I worked for the military for 11 years before marrying a Marine officer…23 of that marriage was in the Marines. I’ve moved 21 times, twice to Japan. I get that I got to experience much more than most, but the urge for a change of some sort every three years is still strong. I had never put those two together. I also have a difficult time making and maintaining friendships. I had an amazing upbringing. My father was very adventurous. I don’t think I’d change it but it helps to recognize why I am like I am. Thank you!

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Ann R
10/13/2022 09:15:55 pm

I’m a 73 year old former military brat, and the term forces brat syndrome has defined me for as long as I can remember. The Canadian military, in its unmitigated idiocy, often chose to move families during the school year, so I moved from Winnipeg Manitoba to Whitehorse Yukon, or Vancouver BC to Ottawa Ontario in October or November. The school curriculums were totally different with every move. I’m smart, but I was terrible at school. I spent my working life in a series of low-paid clerical jobs. Then there’s the horror of filling in forms for apartment rentals or jobs where you have to list your residences for the past 10 years. Haha! People just give you a weird look when you hand them the list. It’s not a childhood I’d wish on anyone.

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FAY SMITH
2/8/2023 04:00:59 pm

I was not an Army brat but I traveled around the world from the age of 2 or so. My dad was an engineer and built oil refineries. Between 2 and 12 I lived in France twice, Colombia once, Venezuela once Australia once. After the second time in Normandy, I realized that there was no point in making friends because I would be ripped away and it hurt! Plus, my parents, thinking they were helping me, never let me know when we were going to move. When we lived in Normandy, which was the happiest time of my life, I would go horseback riding (my passion) on Thursdays. One Friday they sat me down and told me we were going back to the US (for a short time in between jobs with no clue where the next 'home' would be). I was absolutely shocked. I made my mother take me back to the stable that Saturday to say goodbye to all the horses I loved so much. We left on the Ile de France on Sunday, never to return. That was the killer for me. I have been married and divorced 3 times and according to all my husbands, I put up a wall they cannot penetrate. I'm no fool. I know how to avoid being hurt. LOL. Ever since I was diagnosed with attachment syndrome a few years ago, the tremendous burden of guilt has been lifted off my shoulders. I just wish it had happened many years ago.

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Wendy
3/29/2023 11:44:15 pm

I Googled "Army Brat Syndrome" and found your page. I appreciate you for writing this. My father was in the military for nearly thirty years. I went to three elementary schools, four middle schools, and three high schools. I have moved from state to state about 13 times and from house to house over 20 times. I'm 43 and I've lived in my current state for 14 years. This is the longest I've been anywhere, but even here I have moved 6 times to different apts/homes. What prompted me to do a search was my current relationship with my extended family. I have no attachment to them and it makes me feel guilty. I do love them, but feel like I don't know them, they don't know me, and we have nothing in common. It saddens me a lot. I think the way I feel has a lot to do with how I grew up... pretty much removed from my family. It's something I have to work on, but it's hard. I also gave up on making friends a long time ago. I have trust issues and I'm an introvert. At least I'm glad to know I am not alone in my struggles. I wish I could talk to other people who really *get me* but you guys are hard to find 😄.

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Steven Jackowski
3/30/2023 08:48:54 am

Hi Wendy,

You are definitely not alone. This blog post is one of the most frequently viewed so there are lots of us out there. For me, once I recognized the pattern and started joking about having the Military Brat Syndrome with people around me (along with more serious conversations among those closer to me), at least my attitude about myself seemed to gradually improve. If you had a chance to look through the comments above, you can see that others have found ways to adapt. The most important might be recognizing that there are advantages to this fractured upbringing we've lived through. But, I think we have to try to modify our behaviors and eventually, our emotions follow.

In the research for my novels, I've come across some therapies that might prove effective. One , called Cognitive Behavior Therapy, is basically that - consciously change your behavior and attitudes about your feelings. Or, like the old adage said: go through the motions until you feel the corresponding emotions.

I hope that finding you're not alone is helpful. But finding a good therapist might help too,

Steve

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Anne Elizabeth
3/31/2023 01:50:48 pm

Wendy wrote on 3/29/23 about her dad being in the Military for near thirty years.and wrote of her Trust issues and not being able to make friends. This nearly broke my heart to read as she reminds me of my younger self. I am a Brat born at the USMA at West Point. My dad also put in thirty years in the Military. I had Trust issues and had found it nearly impossible to make friends. I felt things deeply but I could not express emotions I was emotionally shut down. I not only hurt myself but others as well. I left West Point in 1973 and luckily found life outside of a Military Base. I have been happily married now for fifty years to an ex enlisted man who left the service one month after we married.

As far as making friends I joined two garden Societies and ended up writing articles for them, as a result, I have made several friends with in the United States and Canada.

When I come across articles in the news paper or magazines on how resilient Army Brats are, I actually get Angry when I read this. Girls especially, face so many challenges, just ask Wendy and I.

Anne Elizabeth

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Karen Biondo
10/7/2023 04:37:32 pm

I grew up from birth to 18 years old as a Navy brat. The longest we stayed in one place was once in Guam for 3 years. I have been to 28 schools before graduating my senior year of high school. Unfortunately, I am also an introvert with anxiety which made it doubly hard as a kid, but not realizing how really hard it was on me till I retired at the age of 65. Even having to work was hard as an introvert. Looking back, I now know how dreadful it was to move and not know anyone over and over. One year, the critical year of 7th grade I went to 3 public schools in Guam. As an adult, I look back on the years after high school, 3 major relationships, all ending after 2 years, multiple jobs till I ended up in one place working for 20 years and retiring. Even in all those years I never acquired any close friends. Most women were in their own relationships and since we didn’t have any close ties or sense of community with one another, they either had their own friends and grew up in the same place and I didn’t seem to fit in. With men it was a different story because of the type of relationship you have with them, but the relationships I did have, there were reasons for me to move on. Physical abuse, alcoholism, or they weren’t happy with their own life. As an introvert it is hard not to “run” and seek the quiet of aloneness though there are compromises to this lifestyle. Sometimes lonely, but as a child growing up with constant moves, you learn to adapt. As a successful art director for a top Fortune 500 company, I was told I was a leader by example. You’re right, on the outside we may look confident (my dad always reminded me to stand up straight!), but inside a little anxious. Though the military life of constant change did prove that life goes on no matter what, you are still the same person, and there are good and bad people everywhere. I actually grew up a lot of my years outside of the United States as a minority. Coming back to the states my last 2 years of high school was such a culture shock. Dad retired to Florida in 1975 and that was another culture shock. Still in Florida and it is HOT!!

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Anne Elizabeth
10/7/2023 11:02:54 pm

Thank you Steve
for your 'Military Brat Syndrome' Blog.

It is so helpful to know we are not alone. I have used CBT over the years and it has helped me to understand my early life and how living on a Military base shaped who I am.

Growing up as a Military Brat can have a very positive affect, or a negative one it depends on each individual. It is up to each of us to decide how to move ahead with our lives and learn from the experience.

I knew I would not be able survive Army Life in my adult years, and I knew I could not marry into the Military, Nor could I raise a daughter in that environment, so I took a different path one that was right for me. Realizing our strengths and our weaknesses early in life can help lead us in the right direction.

Thanks again for the opportunity to read what others experienced and how they are moving ahead.

Anne Elizabeth




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Sandra Hea
10/17/2023 09:25:43 am

Hi Steve,
Greetings from Calgary, Canada. Last evening I read your article: Just visiting – the Military Brat Syndrome. I am an air force brat – moved 8 times prior to finishing high school. When going to university – I choose a school far away – another move, and then upon graduation – I hitched a ride west – and never went back. I’ve travelled to 65 countries (many 3rd world) and wanderlust is within me.

I’m on a personal journey – still looking from home. I wasn’t so aware that being from a military family – impacted me – until I read your article. I’m still searching for belonging – and not sure where I’m from. I can’t pick a city – so when I get asked where I’m from – I hesitate. Just knowing that being a military brat and it’s syndrome is a ‘thing’ somehow makes me feel better about myself and as I write to you, I am smiling within. Oh, and I’m adopted! Which I am grateful for – but probably adds to the story! 

I’ve had a great life so far– am close to God, am accomplished, am doing work I love (and I get to travel – to far off places – 3rd world development) and I try to live each day on purpose…..BUT… there is a void. I’ve recently started seeing a counsellor – which has been great – my prayer is that HOME finds me! I will need to share your article with him – as I don’t think he’s aware of the impacts growing up in a military family may have on me.

Steve, I’m grateful to you for posting this article - how I'm feeling makes more sense now.
Thank you.

With gratitude,
Sandra

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Steve
10/17/2023 09:55:02 am

Hi Sandra,

As for suggestions going forward, what worked for me and for numerous others per their comments is just recognizing the issue. You can then be more deliberate and thoughtful in your reactions and over time, may be able to alter some of the negative behaviors. Or, at least channel them.

In reality, I think that most of us who have had some success in spite of our crazy upbringings have found productive ways to compensate. You may have done this with your extensive travel – it may be similar in its own way to moving all the time as a child. Me, once I figured out that the change patterns were causing me to end relationships after two to three years, I finally stepped back and looked at my motivations. I’ve now been in a solid relationship for almost 20 years. But I have to admit that change is an important part of my life as I split my time between the States and France, and the mountains and the oceans.

So while I’ll never really know what it’s like to have had life-long friends or to truly know a single place, I’m grateful for the diversity and tolerance I learned from the constant change. I hope others will ultimately find their centers and can recognize and change the bad while embracing the good.

Thanks for the kind words!

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Anne Elizabeth
1/27/2024 10:53:46 pm

I would like to speak to my fellow younger Brats. One of the most difficult things I faced growing up as a Military Brat was my poor communication skills. That was especially true in my Romantic relationships, I hurt others without intending too . No one ever got to know the real me as I had major trust issues, and being shy and quiet did not help I was perceived as Indifferent. I also had dyslexia and felt ashamed . This led to my running away endless times.

I felt relationships would not last as people came in and out of my life all the time so I ended them, By doing so, I hurt others.

I wish I had the good sense to explain what was going on all those years ago to those I hurt by running without an explanation. Trying to locate people after all these years has proven nearly impossible. I want to express my regret to those I did hurt, but I waited way too long.

My advice is not to wait till it is too late like I did. Ask for forgiveness and explain your reasons for your running away while you still can. Regrets can way heavy on your heart for years.

I wish each of you a Happy 2024.

Anne Elizabeth

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Steve
1/27/2024 11:29:00 pm

Been there, done that. I, too, hurt people by running away. Glad I finally recognized the pattern and forced myself to change. Unfortunately, I went to the other extreme, staying in a relationship I should never have been in and should have left when I saw the unmistakable signs. . Sometimes it's hard to step back and look at things objectively instead of reacting or overreacting.

Steve

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Chris
4/4/2024 11:25:15 am

I am not an army brat but a RCMP brat. By the time I was 18, we moved 11 times. Much of what this article says is true for me, and likely a lot of RCMP brats.

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Vivian Hedrick morgan link
4/7/2024 10:43:07 am

Hi. I was a military brat from 1945 until I married at age 22 to an army man. My father was stationed in England during ww11 in the us army air core. He met my mother who was in the British land army and they were married. I spent my growing up years going from base to base and attending many schools. I adapted quite well to military life. What I didn’t enjoy was meeting friends and then having to depart although in some cases I’d meet a previous friend at another base. During the fifties we were stationed at USAF Brize Norton for four years. This was my most valuable and memorable time of growing up. My British relatives lived in London just 75 miles away so I did spend time living British as well as living United States at Brize. I don’t think I could ever trade my military brat life with any other both good and bad times With good thoughts vivian

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Sam
5/9/2024 01:34:08 pm

I am 66 and still have this "syndrome." I recognized it years ago, but haven't been able to shake it. I relocated (again) 2 years and still have no friends outside of work, and they are nothing more than acquaintances.

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Steve
5/9/2024 03:04:19 pm

Hi Sam,

Sorry to hear that. Relocating is always a new start but unfortunately, especially at this age, it's even harder to make friends. About all I can suggest is what has worked for me - outside activities - sports, clubs, going online for something like Meetup.com - basically getting out and into situations where you can meet people who might have some interest in common with you.

For me, 'shaking it' took making some big mistakes. Mine constant change was in romantic relationships and I ultimately stayed far too long in two - trying to break the pattern. I recognized that I was overcompensating. It's tough. I'm not sure it ever actually goes away, but at least being aware can help understand what's going on.

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Tony Strickland
5/20/2024 09:37:53 pm

My dad was in the Army for over 20 years. We moved to NJ, MO., Ga., an the back to Mo. But in between the stateside moves he was deployed to Korea twice, and the Alaska once .But in the 50"s and 60's, when he was deployed overseas we had to move off post, which I really hated and that meant he was gone for 13 months. Quite an experience, but we managed.

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Tawnya
7/9/2024 12:01:41 pm

For some of us who were Overseas Brats in locations without housing on military bases, we went beyond tolerance and became integrated within the host culture and community by making life long local friends, speaking and understanding the local language, and navigating life independently off base as teens (e.g., public transportation, shopping, traveling, dating, and attending religious services in the local language).

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Susan link
9/1/2024 01:14:02 pm

It is even harder for many US citizen military brats who were born abroad. They feel different from their family members and friends. Their birth documents and citizenship documents are different. Passports forever show their place of birth as overseas instead of as a military child born abroad. They struggle with the feeling that they don’t belong to the US like others do because people make comments like, “You cannot be from somewhere if you are not born there,” etc. They find out about the 1971 SCOTUS decision in Rogers v Bellei that says anyone born abroad and not born in or naturalized in the U.S. is not a 14th Amendment, 1st Clause citizen but merely a statutory one, and that their citizenship is therefore not Constitutionally entrenched. Then they find out under current laws, etc there is no way to achieve that status. They reach out to Congressman, Senators and the President and get ignored or get some poorly crafted canned response that does no good. Finally one Senator acknowledges the fact that these US Citizens are indeed not 14th Amendment citizens but is unwilling to admit that this inequality needs to be addressed. They feel like pawns in a chess game that were forced to sacrifice so much because of their parent(s) choice to serve their country in uniform. Sacrifices that will last a lifetime and that they never agreed to, and to hear born and raised … or be asked where you were born just rubs salt into the wound. As a parent of now grown military kids and knowing the price they paid, if I could do it all over again, I would never choose that life for them. The costs hugely outweighed the benefits and have continued into their adulthood. It is just not fair, and the US should make amends and do better in the future.

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Steve
9/1/2024 03:51:40 pm

Wow!

This is something I hadn't thought about. Thanks for providing us with detailed information about this.

And I didn't think it could get any worse...

Steve

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Steve
9/2/2024 12:40:33 pm

In looking at this further I queried ChatGPT for information on this and I'm curious in what circumstances your children encountered real problems. Granted, it's not 14th amendment, but they are citizens with all the rights of citizens including becoming President. Can you give us some specific examples of issues so others can be aware/avoid them? Thanks. Here's the info I got:

Children born to American parents overseas are U.S. citizens by birth, but the specifics of their citizenship and eligibility to become President can be nuanced.
Citizenship:
• U.S. Citizenship at Birth: Children born abroad to American parents (or at least one American parent) are typically U.S. citizens at birth under U.S. law. This citizenship is generally conferred through the Immigration and Nationality Act (INA), not directly through the 14th Amendment, which primarily addresses citizenship by birth within the United States.
Presidential Eligibility:
• Natural-Born Citizen Requirement: The U.S. Constitution requires that the President must be a "natural-born citizen." While this term is not explicitly defined in the Constitution, legal scholars and historical interpretations generally agree that being a natural-born citizen includes those who are U.S. citizens at birth, regardless of whether they were born in the U.S. or abroad to American parents.
In summary, children born abroad to American parents are considered U.S. citizens at birth and are eligible to become President as long as they meet other constitutional requirements, like being at least 35 years old and having resided in the U.S. for at least 14 years.

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Susan link
9/2/2024 04:09:45 pm

The main issue is that the Rogers v Bellei SCOTUS decision of 1971 created a new category of citizenship that was outside the 14th Amendment Clause 1 definition and subsequently put this category outside of the purview of the Afroyim SCOTUS decision of 1967 which was originally designed to protect all citizens from having their citizenship involuntarily revoked. If you read the dissenting opinions of the Rogers v Bellei case they are very telling. The real issue is not what has happened but what could happen as statutory citizenship can be changed much more easily by the enactment of new or additional statute, which could possibly even be retroactive, which only requires a majority vote of Congress whereas those with 14th amendment 1st clause standing could only have their citizenship changed by an amendment to the Constitution. It is more of the principle of the issue. Why do we now have a group of citizens whose citizenship is not truly equal to or as secure (Constitutionally entrenched) as those who are 14th Amendment 1st Clause citizens. Tourists and people in the U.S. illegally who have children while in the U.S. get 14th Amendment Clause 1 citizenship for their kids without any real ties to the U.S. Our US citizen military men and women who signed up to protect and defend the U.S. and its Constitution against all enemies foreign and domestic who have children while on U.S. military orders abroad cannot secure 14th Amendment 1st Clause citizenship for those kids, and there is currently no way under the law to elevate statutory citizenship to 14th Amendment citizenship even if the kids live the rest of their lives in the U.S. The 14th Amendment says nothing about natural born. That term occurs in Article 2 and has to do with Presidential eligibility. While the majority of legal scholars believe those who acquire U.S. citizenship at birth are natural born no matter where that birth takes place, SCOTUS has never ruled on that, so that is a matter requiring further litigation. Imagine having a second grade teacher single your kid out in an on post classroom in front of other kids and tell him he cannot run for President because he was born outside of the U.S. Then imagine that same kid hearing that from a high school teacher as well. Even though I believe that to be untrue it can really traumatize a person. Also have many people tell you as a teenager and young adult that since you were born abroad you cannot really be from the U.S. Then find out as a young adult about the Bellei case and that you are a statutory citizen because they interpreted the word “in” to mean geographically in the U.S. and that your citizenship is not truly equal to that of your peers born or naturalized in the U.S. Again, if JAG had been honest and told me about statutory vs 14th Amendment First Clause citizenship, I would have definitely returned to the U.S. to have my child just to be sure that his citizenship was in fact 14th Amendment 1st Clause citizenship and that he had all the same protections backed by the Constitution not dependent on statute that can be changed much more easily than the Constitution.

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Steve
9/2/2024 05:25:10 pm

Hi Susan,

I see your concern. Things COULD put the citizenship of those born overseas at risk. My wife's two kids were born in Spain. They are adults and have never had this issue come up. But as you say, it could. Thanks for bringing this up!


Steve

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Susan link
9/3/2024 07:55:55 am

This issue also contributes to many US citizen military kids born abroad feeling like they don't truly belong here (or anywhere really) and makes them feel "less than" their US born peers which makes life even more difficult for them. It is something that is not within their power under current laws to "fix." Congress could and should address this issue and pass statute that would elevate this statutory citizenship to 14th Amendment, 1st Clause citizenship permanently upon the person's first legal presence in the US. It is no wonder why fewer and fewer people are signing up to serve this country in uniform especially those kids that were raised in military families. Many of these kids who have lived this life realize the sacrifices they had to make... no hometown, moving constantly, deployed parents, living in a fishbowl, and for those who involuntarily sacrificed 14th Amendment, 1st Clause citizenship just because of the place they were born, this price was too high and very unfair.

Anne Elizabeth
9/8/2024 12:26:53 pm

In early 2024 I entered a post on how difficult it was to reach those I ran from in my youth and explain what was gong on and how very sorry I am for the hurt I must have caused.

I'd like to report I did reach one person a few weeks ago This Person never knew just how very important he was to me, but the circumstances of my life were such that I had to leave. I had located his email address and took a chance on his even remembering me after fifty plus years.. I did my best to explain why I left with out a good bye.

We all have our own reasons so I will not get into that only to say I felt this young man was an extraordinary person with a bright future ahead, and I refused to hold him back I felt he would fare better in his Life with a stronger person at his side.We brats had sacrificed a lot already, but there are times and circumstances that bring us to terribly difficult choices.

My email was answered although it felt a bit Icy at first (but who could blame him) I did my best to extend my apology for my actions. We were able to say our final goodbyes. This was terribly important for me to do this, but remember too that not everyone needs to do this.
People do not always want to be contacted They have lives of there own we should not disturb. Use caution before you decide the contact is needed. Most of the time things are better left alone. You really can't undo past hurts.

I would also like to correct the impression I may have made in my previous post, that my life as a Military brat was so terrible. Life is not always black and white but shades of gray. I am afraid I painted a negative over all picture of life on a Military base. There was another side to it, that I failed to paint.

I met many wonderful people at West Point while I was living there.
The USMA Military Academy is a beautiful spot along the Hudson River with a rich History. I do not regret the experience,
Many fine people graduated West Point and I was very pleased I had the opportunity to meet as many as I did. No regrets.

Remember to express the good not just the negative.

Anne Elizabeth



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Jody
5/11/2025 10:53:16 am

I was born in Japan 1953 when it was being rebuilt. American parents. Brother 10 years older so saw more. Dad and mom were at Pearl Harbor. Dad in boat to Oklahoma when it was bombed. Retired when I was 5. Moved to Texas from Virginia. Completely different. All girls Catholic school. Was made fool of because of birthplace. Then dad left after ten years their, to go to Vietnam and set up radar systems. Which he did all over Europe until retirement. Parents were divorced when I was 15. Mom had to support use and opened a Montessori school.. she had taught all her life. I feel like my.navy brat life somehow was all the way thru...and always connecting to father in military that devised wife. And gave no support. I married a German born...but ended up divorcing. I think the military of my era, ruined kids.

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Steve
5/11/2025 02:30:58 pm

Hi Jody,

I and so many others had similar experiences. I hope that in spite of all the difficulties that resulted from being a military kid, you found some benefits.

Steve

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